was i ever?
sometimes, most times even, it doesn’t feel like it.
*sigh* if i could…if i could… why is it then that i can’t?
i love you
even though you break my heart, over and over again.
I should have walked away 6 years ago at the very start. I should have walked away the first time you chose someone else over me. I should have walked away once i knew the ‘big truth’ too. In fact, i should have walked away every time something new came to the surface…but i didn’t. I stood by you, i forgave you. I took flack off everyone for doing so. I made excuses for and defended your actions, all the time feeling people were mocking you, me. I remained loyal.
But it counts for nothing really, not at the moment. You choose to continually see all of my bad points and use them against me. You choose not to see the times i have put myself out for you, offered assistance, suggestions, been willing to help you, even when i have done so, knowing that ultimately, it could be to my own detriment. You have no idea how incredibly hard that is to do.
You always play the ‘you’re unstable, stepping out of line, you’re untrustworthy’ card, when in reality, i could have completely ruined your life forever 3 years ago. but you don’t know that…you don’t know all of the things that i know and the things i could have so easily done to ruin you, had i been so inclined. I wasn’t, i didn’t and i wouldn’t. What good would losing you do me? What would there be to gain from ruining someone else’s life? I’ve been the one hurt and i would not wish that on anyone, let alone, now, to be the one to do the hurting deliberately.
So, i keep my secrets. Whilst always remaining one myself.
Soon
i’m going to write it all down. everything that i’m feeling.
whether you will read it or not, i guess i will never know.
if you ever cared about me, then one day you *will* read it.
I am too emotionally exhausted this moment (and expecting company) to even begin. i could open the door still crying, but i don’t want her to feel awkward. And i don’t want her to hate you for making me upset.
there’s always something
to make you feel shite once you actually start having things go right.
emotionally, i am all over the place this week. I turned 38…no big deal, just another birthday really, but by god, wouldn’t you have thought the person you speak to nearly daily for 5 years would remember? would actually remember. i’m sat there, all day, waiting for some acknowledgment, some ‘hey happy birthday’. ok, so it probably wasn’t going to match the surprise pic and the surprise phonecall of the 2 previous years…even though i had tentatively suggested (the week before) meeting up for coffee on the day, ever optimistic, but a simple happy birthday would’ve been much welcome.
And then i see a familiar pattern emerging…and all i can think is ‘talk about history repeating’. Why shouldn’t i say something? Isn’t it worse to keep quiet, let things fester? 5yrs on i think i have a bloody right to express myself. It hurts, it really hurts, to think that. Especially when I should probably have walked away so long ago, after every revelation. But, i ‘stayed’, and i’m still here now… i don’t deserve to be made to feel like a nobody; i may not be THE somebody, but i am A somebody.
it’s taken the edge of the entire (almost life-changing in a sense) good news i’ve had this week, it really has.
And then there’s my dear best friend…having a shite time of things too…honestly, the pair of us sit here dishing out our sensible, logical advice to the other, knowing full well it will go in one and out the other, because it’s advice we should probably apply to ourselves too but don’t. Is it so wrong to want to mean something to someone who means something to you?
I trawl the internet and see all these quotes that i can bookmark…so, so many of them i think ‘wow, that’s me…that’s just how i feel, that’s exactly what i think’ and i read them and sometimes the ones i’ve bookmarked all contradict each other! guess i’m not as straightforward as i think i am at the time of bookmarking!!
So, i suppose i need a song…hmmm, all my ‘sad playlist’ songs got lost on the memory card when it disappeared with my phone and i have yet to get onto the desktop to transfer…so, top of my head, what songs i know i had there…
memory lane
oh my word…read back through diaries of my youth (well, 1985 onwards to 2000)…the funniest thing ever, amongst all the tiny screwed up jumbled mess of writing, in the 1987/88 diaries, were little ‘notes’ i made…diagrams if you like…stick men…on certain occasions…OH MY FUCKING GOD is all i can say. why? why did i do that? why did i think to keep a record???!!! it’s not like i needed to keep track of names or anything like that, it was pretty much just a noted date of times with my boyfriends (all 2 of them) at the time.
then on another page, there’d be all the songs i liked and who they reminded me of, and the videos/films i’d seen (dvd wasn’t yet invented), or books i read and my ever so quick reviews ‘brilliant’ ‘loved it’ ‘tom cruise, swoon’ ‘can’t wait to read the next book’.
but stick men diagrams???? in a box less than 1/2cm square lol. dear god, why did i do that? all i can say is, good job i don’t do that now…i’m not that good at art these days 
Remote
distant
irrelevant
afterthought
what happened to conversation? i can’t remember the last time we had one.
i sometimes wish i could find words for all the things i feel,all the thoughts that go around in my head, wish i could voice the things that go unsaid. but it’s just a jumbled up, messed up, mix of madness and sadness.
you’ve never seen me ‘bubble’, you’ve never seen me sparkle and twinkle. you’ve never seen me when i’m on a roll. you’ve never seen me.
i can remember listening to this on my walkman at liverpool street station in the early 90s…it got to my soul then, it gets to my soul now.
clickety boo
as if i need another place on t’interweb…not sure why, for what purpose or audience, think it was just because it was easier to repost stuff i’ve seen on there that i liked.
or you can stay here and i’ll quote it below:
“There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark… their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless.”
form is failing today as i should probably post a link to some kind of appropriate song…but it’s a bit hard when i’m sat listening having a major 80s flashback just now!
don’t we all long for this?
perfect music to go with it (have heard it many times but never knew who the artist was…i may have to go listen to some more sigur ros if they’re all like that!)
A SHORT LOVE STORY IN STOP MOTION from Carlos Lascano on Vimeo.
On repeat…
“and i will love until my heart it aches, and i will love until my heart it breaks, and i will love until there’s nothing left to live for” Amy MacDonald “Run”
fighting to hold back tears. 26 years (almost) on from my first day of senior school and my little old heart still believes love can conquer all, even if it is completely unrequited…god, i was such a dreamer then, now i’m so much more cynical, i *know* it doesn’t, but that 11yr old girl in me still hopes, still wishes, still wants…
songs that speak to you…
I heard this version by Adele tonight, at the exact moment i was lost in thought of someone and it really *got* to me. I’m too emotional by far, i feel too much, too deeply, to my own detriment i know, but maybe once in your lifetime someone wanders into your life who turns your whole world upside down and back to front and inside out and all you can do is be emotional? I’ve had the worst of times this past month or so, i have reached my rock bottom, that point where pills and alcohol seem a fine combination, i’ve had my whole being torn to shreds, stripped bare, had the few things about myself that i’ve thought were ok completely razed to the ground…and one good week does not make the pain or heartache go away, or put the world to rights, it just pushes it to the side for a while. And then you hear a song that pulls at your heart strings and says, “regardless of it all, i’m still here for you, i’m always here for you, in spite of everything”…
When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you
Haven’t made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I’ve known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I’d go hungry
I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there’s nothing
That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love
